Muzungo

Blog blog blog

Kampala could possibly be the funniest place I have ever been to. I think I spend about 40% of the minutes in my day laughing. See everyone here has a very friendly mentality, and loves to be around other people, and they are just funny people in general… So that keeps me laughing. But the other thing is… Kampala is a very developed city, a lot like New York. You can pretty much get anything here that you could get in America. But almost everyone that lives here has grown up in a village. So the whole city is a bunch of tribal, hunter-gatherer people who are used to primitive living, living in a big city. So it creates a really strange atmosphere.

Anyway… I live in a house for guys here, with about 4 other guys sleeping here, but about 10 other guys living here. I wanted to introduce you guys to some of them:

Jerome




Jerome is the owner of the house. He is possibly the most hilariously mean person I have ever met. He yells at everyone he sees, and forces everyone in the house to “be a man”… which includes telling everyone to talk deeper than they do, grow beards, and force girls out of the house.

He always calls me “Muzungo” which means white person. He chases people out of the house whenever he feels like it, and yells a lot. He makes the women in the next building cook for him every night. He also has a collection of DVDs that he buys for $5, which each have about thirty recent movies on them (I don’t know how). He always brags about how the Ugandans make dvds with so many movies on them, even though the packages and menus are all in Chinese. He says they just put them in Chinese because they sell them to Chinese people. He also has a collection of hundred year old cassette tapes of the oldest Christian songs in existence. I often come in and find him dancing to “He’s got the whole world in his hands”, which is his favorite song.


Joseph.




Joseph is a pre pubescent 18 year old who has the most unique accent I have ever heard. It is extremely high pitched, and is the strangest combination of Ugandan, Swedish, and Jamaican. It also cracks every other sentence. Those things combined together make me laugh so much at pretty much everything he says, which he loves. They also make Jerome scream “TALK LIKE A MAN” every time Joseph speaks. He enjoys coming in while I am reading my Bible and turning on Prison Break, which of course has gotten me addicted to Prison Break. While we are watching it he yells “Masta plan!!!” (Master plan) every time there is a twist in the plot.

*On tv*
Lincoln: We’re trapped! They’re going to kill us!
Scofield (the main character): *Looks cunningly at him* No they’re not… Cause I’ve got this! *takes out some contraption*

Joseph: HAHAHA MASTA PLAN!!!!!!

Bad guy: Now you are finished, give up!
Scofield: *Smiles* That’s what YOU think.

Joseph: AHHHH MASTAAAA PLAN!!!

Scofield: I have a plan

Joseph: AHHHHHHHHH MASTA PLANN!!!!!!!!

Scofield: *smiles*

Joseph: MAS!!! TA!!!!! PLANNNN!!!!!!!

*Tv is off*

Joseph: *whispers* Massta plannnn


I really want to get a video of him doing it, because I don’t know if you can fully imagine the beauty of him yelling that in a high pitched, cracked Ugandan/Swedish accent. It is enough to keep me watching just to hear him do it.

Pablo:

Yes, I know, Pablo is not really a Ugandan name. I don’t know why that’s his name.

The first time I was introduced to this guy is when he called my phone (I don’t know how he got my number) and asked me to walk over to the next house and give it to a girl for him to talk to. Then Jerome grabbed the phone

Jerome: PABLO DON’T YOU CALL THIS MUZUNGO AND TELL HIM TO DO THINGS, YOU COME OVER HERE YOURSELF! AND BRING FOOD! IN FACT, I WILL NOT LET YOU IN UNLESS YOU HAVE FOOD FOR ME! I SWEAR!!

So Pablo came over. He didn’t bring food, so he bum rushed the door and broke through Jerome’s grip. Then he opened the fridge, took my bread, my milk, and my peanut butter, ate it all, then left.

I instantly fell in love with him. Apparently he comes over here all the time and “borrows” Jerome’s Dvds, food, books, clothes, friends, etc.

Then I saw him the next day at church:

Me: *Grabs him and punches him a lot* Pablo, you ate all of my food!
Pablo: No, its ok! It’s ok! Don’t worry about it!
Me: What??? It’s my food, you are buying me new bread and milk!
Pablo: No no, it’s really ok! *takes me by the hand* Look, come meet my girlfriend, she is the cutest girl in Uganda…
Me: *Almost falls over laughing at the ridiculousness of that statement*

Apparently he thought just gazing on his girlfriends face would comfort me and make me forget the loss of my food. It didn’t. He quickly jumped on a truck and waved goodbye though, so I didn’t get to punish him anymore.

He is definitely one of my favorite people in the world. Today he heard that I got new food and rumor has it he is coming over. I am going to put salt in my milk.

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So something I have been thinking a lot about, and now the biggest dread of my life, is having to answer the question "So, how was Sudan?" a brazillion times.

Like seriously. I have this deep pit of dread in my stomach that threatens to take over my life. I don't know what to do.

I mean... I don't mind telling people who CARE what it was like... but most people just ask out of obligation. Their minds say "How can I make conversation?" and then they think of the most dominant thing in my life, and ask how it is/was. The same way everyone who met me used to ask "How is the acting business?". Most people don't actually care, they just feel obligated to ask. And it is especially ridiculous when people ask me as just a passing statement. Like you would ask someone "How ya doing?".

If someone is passing me in the hall, and they ask "So how was Sudan?" do they really expect me to stop and tell them everything about what happened in sudan in the space of the 15 seconds they are passing me?

So I have been trying to come up with ideas to solve this.

1: Threaten everyone who approaches me with a punch to the nose if they ask me that question.

Pros: No one will ask me
Cons: No one will like me ever again. Everyone will hate me.

2: Act like I have lost my voice

Pros: All I will have to do is point at my throat a lot
Cons: I will just have a bunch of "So, you never told me how Sudan was..." later... and everyone will hate me.

3: Write a report on how it was, print out a bunch of copies, and pass them out to whoever asks.

Pros: GIves people information, saves me time
Cons: People will think I am unthankful, everyone will hate me, and I will have to kill a lot of trees (you know how much I love them trees)

4: Just say "Hot" every time someone asks me

Pros: Will be funny (probably only to me)
Cons: Everyone will hate me


So with all my options, the outcome is inevitable: People will hate me.

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I am learning to cook on charcoal stoves. Ballin.



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Jerome: *runs in the room, speaking in a high pitched voice* HELLO MUZUNGO *slaps me* I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MY FAVORITE BECAUSE YOU DON'T MAKE TROUBLE FOR ME AND YOU ARE FUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL. *normal voice* see muzungos make everything beautiful. That's why I love you. And because you buy me food. Thank you for being here. *runs out*

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Comin back on the 22nd!